9 Worst Carpool Companions of All Time

October 31, 2014

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1) The Weak Bladder Sufferer: Fun fact for the day: The typical bladder is about the size of a pear. Your copilot, however, seems uniquely anatomically blessed with an organ that isn't any bigger than a grape. Unless you want to familiarize yourself with the parking lots of every rest stop along your route, ban all drinks from the car.

2) The Hopeless Navigator: You know that friend who couldn’t find the way out of a paper bag? Hey, they’re probably good at other stuff, but mayyyybe not the best choice for co-pilot. Navigational ability should be a pre-requisite for being awarded shotgun.

3) The Beauty Sleeper: You know what's boring? Driving around for 180 miles by yourself. Which is effectively what you'll be doing if you invite Sleeping Beauty along for the ride. The lulling motion of a car may be somnolent to some, but leave the eye mask at home — sleeping through the whole trip is completely missing the point.

4) The Small Talker: The only thing worse than being in a car for hours with someone who's asleep? Being with someone who seems physically incapable of discussing anything but the weather, the latest baseball scores, and what they saw on TV this week — especially to someone on the other end of the phone. Cringe.

5) The Over-Sharer: Even worse than the small talker is the TMI-er. Yes, connecting with other humans is great. But no, you don’t need to hear every. little. thing. that pops into someone’s head. Turn the music up so you can motor in peace.

6) The Playlist Dictator: You may fancy yourself some kind of musical guru because you've got a little blog on the side that you update every three months and spend most of your waking hours trawling through Spotify playlists, but you know what? If you're not the one behind the wheel, it's not up to you to pick the tunes. Even if the driver can't get enough of ABBA's Greatest Hits CD (not that there's anything wrong with that).

7) The My Way or the Highway-er: Some people aren't great at sharing, and even less gifted at the art of compromise. These are not the people to pack into a car together. You'll see what we mean when they throw a hissy fit after every decision you make (like opting for an In-N-Out lunch instead of Chipotle).

8) The Compulsive Snacker: You've been trying to chat with your friends for the last half hour or so, except your conversation keeps getting interrupted up by the odd crinkle or crunch as regularly as a laugh track on a '90s sitcom. Unless this friend gets over their snack attack, they're bound to cause irritation. Not to mention their own little mountain of crumbs. You were gonna clean up before you dropped off your Zipcar anyway, but enough with the Sun Chips. Come on!

9) The Backseat Driver: Your co-pilot thinks they're being helpful in telling you to slow down because the lights are about to turn amber, oh, and try braking a litttttleee less abruptly sometime, and wait... are you in the wrong lane? But no, it’s more distracting than helpful.

1) The Weak Bladder Sufferer: Fun fact for the day: The typical bladder is about the size of a pear. Your copilot, however, seems uniquely anatomically blessed with an organ that isn't any bigger than a grape. Unless you want to familiarize yourself with the parking lots of every rest stop along your route, ban all drinks from the car.

2) The Hopeless Navigator: You know that friend who couldn’t find the way out of a paper bag? Hey, they’re probably good at other stuff, but mayyyybe not the best choice for co-pilot. Navigational ability should be a pre-requisite for being awarded shotgun.

3) The Beauty Sleeper: You know what's boring? Driving around for 180 miles by yourself. Which is effectively what you'll be doing if you invite Sleeping Beauty along for the ride. The lulling motion of a car may be somnolent to some, but leave the eye mask at home — sleeping through the whole trip is completely missing the point.

4) The Small Talker: The only thing worse than being in a car for hours with someone who's asleep? Being with someone who seems physically incapable of discussing anything but the weather, the latest baseball scores, and what they saw on TV this week — especially to someone on the other end of the phone. Cringe.

5) The Over-Sharer: Even worse than the small talker is the TMI-er. Yes, connecting with other humans is great. But no, you don’t need to hear every. little. thing. that pops into someone’s head. Turn the music up so you can motor in peace.

6) The Playlist Dictator: You may fancy yourself some kind of musical guru because you've got a little blog on the side that you update every three months and spend most of your waking hours trawling through Spotify playlists, but you know what? If you're not the one behind the wheel, it's not up to you to pick the tunes. Even if the driver can't get enough of ABBA's Greatest Hits CD (not that there's anything wrong with that).

7) The My Way or the Highway-er: Some people aren't great at sharing, and even less gifted at the art of compromise. These are not the people to pack into a car together. You'll see what we mean when they throw a hissy fit after every decision you make (like opting for an In-N-Out lunch instead of Chipotle).

8) The Compulsive Snacker: You've been trying to chat with your friends for the last half hour or so, except your conversation keeps getting interrupted up by the odd crinkle or crunch as regularly as a laugh track on a '90s sitcom. Unless this friend gets over their snack attack, they're bound to cause irritation. Not to mention their own little mountain of crumbs. You were gonna clean up before you dropped off your Zipcar anyway, but enough with the Sun Chips. Come on!

9) The Backseat Driver: Your co-pilot thinks they're being helpful in telling you to slow down because the lights are about to turn amber, oh, and try braking a litttttleee less abruptly sometime, and wait... are you in the wrong lane? But no, it’s more distracting than helpful.